We all go through some kind of difficulties in our daily life. It does not matter if you are young or old, rich or poor.
There was once a young beautiful woman who is getting married to her Prince Charming at a 5-star hotel, princess-style. Her family, friends and colleagues are there to share her joy. On cue, the doors opened and she walked into the grand hall with her husband amidst the wedding music, loud cheers and applause. She was the most beautiful and happiest bride ever.
But later, someone found out that just minutes before striding into the hall, there was a commotion about letting her biological father attending her wedding which was stopped by her single mother. Her tears of joy, as all her wedding guests sees it, were actually tears of utter sadness, disguised by forced smiles throughout the night. That night was probably the saddest night of her life.
But what did we see? We mistakenly see her as happy and problem-free.
There was once a rich and happy old man who was respected by many in his line of work and leading a seemingly stress-free life. But, who would have known, what pain he carries with him every single day of his life? Forty years ago, he lost his 3-year-old son in a road accident. His son was playing near the road and suddenly dashed across to an oncoming car. His son died on the spot, in front of his own eyes. He cried whenever he thought or talked about his son.
There was once a rich and happy old man who was respected by many in his line of work and leading a seemingly stress-free life. But, who would have known, what pain he carries with him every single day of his life? Forty years ago, he lost his 3-year-old son in a road accident. His son was playing near the road and suddenly dashed across to an oncoming car. His son died on the spot, in front of his own eyes. He cried whenever he thought or talked about his son.
These go to show that everyone faces some kind of problems even if one is beautiful, rich or famous. If not, then the enviable, famous and rich celebrities would not have turned to drugs and suicide for comfort.
As a healthy start towards finding your ultimate happiness, remember this in your head:
Do not always think that the person next to you is definitely happier, richer, more famous and capable than you. Remember, everyone carries with them their own set of everyday problems. And do not habitually accentuate and exaggerate your 'problems'. They may not be as bad as you think.
So, if being pretty and having/earning lots of money is not going to give you the long-term happiness that everyone is looking for, how else do we attain true happiness?!
Before I go on to share how one can overcome problems and difficulties, and find lasting happiness let us just go along the list of stressors that one may encounter in life so that we can better see what exactly our problems are. Which ones are you currently facing right now? Like many other people, I have encountered many of these stressors myself.
- Weight issues [this one is popular in my household: my hubby and son are stick thin, which makes me 'feel' fat all the time!]
- Physical/mental stress e.g physical pain, emotionally drained.
- Childhood issues like abuse, abandonment, parent's separation.
- Low self-esteem, low confidence: Feel inadequate, worthless, not good, smart, able, beautiful, or rich enough. [I felt like a total failure when I couldn't find a job within three months after graduation. Later, I told myself that it was partly due to the 2008 world economic crisis and that I should not give up trying again.]
- Poor relationship: with family, in-laws, friends, neighbours, boss, colleagues, clients/customer.
- Love: Unrequited love, unhappy romantic relationship.
- Coping strategies or mechanism are suddenly down: Not positive, hopeful, conscientious, lost determination.
- Involved in an accident, robbery, molest, rape or being bullied online, at school/work or other life traumas.
- Problems with spouse or child: difficult or problematic spouse or child e.g. disobedient child or drunkard/abusive spouse, divorce and dispute of children's custody.
- Financial problem like overspending or not enough money to get through daily life.
- Personal bad habits: Smoking, gambling, cheating, unhealthy diet (under/over-eating), disagreeable personality, perfectionism, bad temper, angry all the time, jealousy, inadequate sleep, shopaholic.
- Mid-life crisis: a sense of loss in purpose or meaning in career, marriage, or life in general.
- Examinations or study/school stress
- Job stress: job burnout, lay-offs, interviews, quotas, problems with colleagues or boss.
- General loss of purpose in life, feeling LOST
- Feeling depressed for no obvious reasons (or for ALL reasons - everything stresses you)
- Bored, lonely, no attention given, feel ignored/abandoned, sick of life
- Lack of proper sleep and exhaustion due to family commitments e.g. taking care of elderly or baby.
- Illness/death of a loved one [I found my remedy for this, will tell you later :)]
- Neighbourhood/national issues like noisy/inconsiderate neighbours, war, lack of food/clean water, air pollution.
- Natural disasters like haze, flooding, typhoon, earthquake.
- Fear/phobias/anxiety like stage fright, crowds, social phobia, xenophobia, general anxiety, anxious personality.
Whether you have one or ten of the above stressors right now is not the issue. The most important thing is to identify where your root problems are coming from. Next, decide on how you are going to overcome and stand above your problems - instead of crumbling under them. Make your own choice.
Once, there is an old lady in her 70s who lived all alone in a small flat surviving on little financial support. Her son and daughter left her 30 years ago due to heart diseases followed by her husband who later succumbed to intestinal cancer. She has lived alone without any other family left in this world for more than 20 years! In addition, she has diabetes, kidney problems and can hardly walk. One would have imagined her to be a sullen looking, lifeless and even grumpy woman who hardly smiles. Who would have guessed she is actually a very positive lady who smiles a lot and has a twinkle in her eyes.
Indeed, instead of feeling sorry for herself, going around pouring out her grievances, showing a sad and sorrow front to everyone she meets, she chose to lead a simple happy life by doing the things she loves to do (art and craft: beading), socialising and catching up with her old friends at the elderly activity centre. PS: This lady actually kept some of her children's toys and together with their photos, it is enough for her to survive happily. More on this later.
So, to be or not to be (happy)? It is REALLY a personal choice. Nobody can force you to become happy. Nobody can force you to become sad. You'll have to take on this responsibility of your own happiness.
So, to be or not to be (happy)? It is REALLY a personal choice. Nobody can force you to become happy. Nobody can force you to become sad. You'll have to take on this responsibility of your own happiness.
Ok, now let's move right on to how to overcome your difficulties. How do you set your life back on track again? How do you live optimally, effectively and happily? What I am going to share with you are some of the 'happiness tools' that I use to overcome my daily problems and also the bigger problems that I foresee or worry that will happen.
After sharing with you my happiness tools (from A to G), we will move on to find long-term happiness.
In my opinion, to have long-term happiness, you need a combination of: short-term, long-term, and creative happiness. And also, I believe that the positive happiness you create in your life, can actually cancel out the negative physical and mental effects which your problems may have brought you.
For instance, if you have parents who do not love you, you can cancel or balance out the feeling of abandonment by having a loving, caring spouse or children and still live a wonderful life. Thus, do not stop creating your happiness.
After sharing with you my happiness tools (from A to G), we will move on to find long-term happiness.
In my opinion, to have long-term happiness, you need a combination of: short-term, long-term, and creative happiness. And also, I believe that the positive happiness you create in your life, can actually cancel out the negative physical and mental effects which your problems may have brought you.
For instance, if you have parents who do not love you, you can cancel or balance out the feeling of abandonment by having a loving, caring spouse or children and still live a wonderful life. Thus, do not stop creating your happiness.
So, I have summarised this article into 4 main parts:
To overcome difficulties you need:
1. Happiness Tools: From A to G
To find (overall) long-term happiness you need:
To find (overall) long-term happiness you need:
2. Short-term Happiness
3. Long-term Happiness
4. Creative Happiness
1. Happiness Tools: From A to G
A. First and foremost, please set yourself to do the following mental preparation for your problems/difficulties
- Face it and accept that it has happened to you
- Don't resist seeking psychological help or just a listening ear from your friends or family just to save your 'face'. Everyone needs help at times (A distressed mother of a 5 year old autistic child was just about to give up hope until one day, she received counselling. That session changed her perspective and enlightened her. The counsellor, among other things, told her that her child is her treasure and the most precious gift that was given to her and that she should simply love her child with all her heart)
- Get used to it
- Make it less important (think of it as 0.001% of your life)
- Let time take care if it (Of course, like wounds, let time heal and subside your pains)
- Let happy events bring you over it (e.g. do anything you enjoy doing like an outing, a good book, exercise, or read inspiring quotes)
- Let it go if you can (holding on to your stress is only going to eat up your mental energy and bring you physical ailments like chronic back/shoulder pain, tension headache/migraine, and a whole list of illnesses. And that is a whole lot of problems on top of your problems!)
B. If you are lost, always remind yourself:
Life is simply a cycle of ups and downs and ups again just like the waters in the river flowing continuously but differently (in a cycle of slow and fast, ebbing left and flowing right). Nothing stays permanently still - nothing, bad or good, lasts forever.
Everything passes and passes continuously. Tomorrow, or few months later, everything can change. We simply cannot predict what the future will bring us but we should stay opened to whatever comes along our way.
Embrace the future with opened arms, with ease. Right now, we should focus on the right now. This moment in time which is right NOW, is the most precious simply because we cannot turn back time.
Be in the present, be in the right now, as much as you can.
Once I got this feeling of a precious moment in time while I was looking out to the sea with my son in my arms and I will think of that blissful precious moment when I feel overwhelmed. You can try to grip a moment of peace and recall that fuzzy feel whenever you feel lost or overwhelmed. [Read about all this in the full article: I Am Lost Again].
Everything passes and passes continuously. Tomorrow, or few months later, everything can change. We simply cannot predict what the future will bring us but we should stay opened to whatever comes along our way.
Embrace the future with opened arms, with ease. Right now, we should focus on the right now. This moment in time which is right NOW, is the most precious simply because we cannot turn back time.
Be in the present, be in the right now, as much as you can.
Once I got this feeling of a precious moment in time while I was looking out to the sea with my son in my arms and I will think of that blissful precious moment when I feel overwhelmed. You can try to grip a moment of peace and recall that fuzzy feel whenever you feel lost or overwhelmed. [Read about all this in the full article: I Am Lost Again].
C. Invent your own strategies
Once I gave myself a direction that whenever my son spills, spoils or messes up something, I'll clear all the mess first before lecturing him. That strategy alone saved me a lot of unneeded burst of anger which would not have saved the situation effectively. Worst: Once I read, children don't listen to you, they observe you. What if he takes after my short temper? This may spark off a parent-child battle which may bring even more stress!
Moreover, my son gives me the greatest worry - he runs away from us wherever he is outdoors to play hide and seek. He has gone missing for about 10 times to date. Once, we searched for him at the zoo for about 45 minutes. A couple of times, I picked him up at the information counter at the mall after kind people brought him there when they found him alone elsewhere. And a few times, he dashed across the road to oncoming traffic and thankfully, there were either no cars or the car braked in time. He is fearless. And spanking doesn't faze him. He'll try again later! He simply loves thrills.
My greatest fear right now is that he'll leave me for good one day by either going missing and never returning home or meeting with a fatal accident. I even had a few nightmares of him being in an accident of which I won't elaborate as it is too gross! I really cannot imagine if one day he'll leave me forever. Almost everyday, I couldn't sleep well. So, with that fear of losing him, I spent years searching for the right tool to use if that fateful day ever come. I want to gear myself up for the worst. One fine day, I finally found my own solution. By watching a ghost story!
This movie (Bring Back The Dead) is about a grieving mother who lost her 7-year-old son in a road accident and tries to bring back the son's soul as she could not let go of her son. In the end, she finally 'met' her son's soul and she finally let him go because her son said something very comforting to her: Mummy, my love will always be in(side) your heart.
This line also comforts me ALOT. After I found that comforting 'tool', I told my son that wherever both of us may be, always remember: My love will always be in your heart, and your love will always be in my heart, okay? [I placed his little hand onto his heart and my heart] To that, my son simply replied cutely and lovingly: Yes, mummy, yes...
This line also comforts me ALOT. After I found that comforting 'tool', I told my son that wherever both of us may be, always remember: My love will always be in your heart, and your love will always be in my heart, okay? [I placed his little hand onto his heart and my heart] To that, my son simply replied cutely and lovingly: Yes, mummy, yes...
As what the lead lady in the movie explained: "What everyone learns at the end of the film is that in life, you have to let go of the dead because they have already gone to a better place." Remember the old lady who kept some of her children's toys after they pass away? I will do that too.
Creepy? Heck it. I'd do whatever floats my boat!
Creepy? Heck it. I'd do whatever floats my boat!
So, in whatever worry or fear you could not stop ruminating, find an effective tool or strategy to use when it really happens. Use whatever you think will keep you afloat. At least you have that something to fall back on or hold on to to prevent you from drowning, which is better than nothing.
Also, if you are facing an overwhelming or stressful situation, you can use my favourite strategy ever - simply ask yourself:
What is the best thing I can do right now?
This 'magic question' works for me most of the time.
Also, if you are facing an overwhelming or stressful situation, you can use my favourite strategy ever - simply ask yourself:
What is the best thing I can do right now?
This 'magic question' works for me most of the time.
D. Be comfortable
To be truly happy you must be comfortable with yourself and your surrounding. Be comfortable about who you are, how you look, how you walk/talk, who you are with, where you are, and whatever you are doing. Be comfortable with everything and whatever that may come. If you feel your fears and anxiety coming, turn them into something positive until you feel comfortable.
Fear is an instinctive reaction that brings out our will and courage to fight/flight in order to survive. So, practice turning all your negative feelings (fears, anxiety, worry and even anger) into positive ones (will power, energy, and courage to fight). If you don't know what to do, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What is the next best thing that I can do right now.
When my stage fright is acting up I'll tell myself: Now the best thing I can do is to finish saying whatever I need to say as comfortably as I can. So I kept myself focused on the job at hand.
Fear is an instinctive reaction that brings out our will and courage to fight/flight in order to survive. So, practice turning all your negative feelings (fears, anxiety, worry and even anger) into positive ones (will power, energy, and courage to fight). If you don't know what to do, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What is the next best thing that I can do right now.
When my stage fright is acting up I'll tell myself: Now the best thing I can do is to finish saying whatever I need to say as comfortably as I can. So I kept myself focused on the job at hand.
E. Be flexible
We ought to live optimally according to our surrounding circumstances. If life calls for something out of you, try to be flexible and blend yourself into the situation. Try not to be so rigid and be as flexible as you can bear. You may not be as rigid as you thought.
If your life calls for a sudden increase of responsibilities family-wise or work-wise, be willing to be flexible if there is the need. Like a rubber-band, the more flexible you are, the less likely you'll snap. In short, 'flex' yourselves according to the situation you are in right now.
If your life calls for a sudden increase of responsibilities family-wise or work-wise, be willing to be flexible if there is the need. Like a rubber-band, the more flexible you are, the less likely you'll snap. In short, 'flex' yourselves according to the situation you are in right now.
F. Have an overall goal with you at all times
This is one of my favourite tools too. I like to keep myself on track by having an overall goal with me at all times. E.g. When I got lost in the madness of parental and household duties, I tell myself: My overall goal is to nurture my child in his growing up years, keep the house in order and be a supportive wife. Although, it's tiring to be on standby 24 hours a day, still, I am holding the best job in the world. I want to be an efficient stay-at-home mother!
So, what is the overall goal in whatever you are doing now?
G. Do not lose hope. Do not give up.
Just do not give up on finding your own happiness. No matter how tough, do not lose hope and be in despair. Find ways to motivate yourself into a fighting or positive mode. Give yourself a treat every month - like a massage or a good meal - just to get through the month. If this method doesn't work, try another method. If reading certain quotes doesn't uplift your spirits, keep searching for other quotes (Pinterest is a great place, if you may). Believe in yourself that one day you'll find that something that helps.
Stay away from people who put you down without telling you how to improve. Learn how to enjoy your own company. And stop over-thinking about your life - past or present - it's like cancer eating you away. Do something that makes you feel blissful instead. Do anything that lets you function at your optimal level everyday. Be useful everyday. Trust me, if you give up, you'll feel much more worse - like the living dead. You'll not only disappoint yourself but also the people who care about you.
Your suffering may take another year or so, or it may end next month, nobody can predict what will come to you. Nothing can last forever. An enemy today can become your friend tomorrow. Or a huge tsunami, heatwave or disease may sweep across the earth tomorrow. Anything can change tomorrow!
I searched for my own happiness for so many years! And of course, I'm not going to stop here and will still keep searching for more! Everyone will have their own pathway to happiness. So, do not give up easily, just keep looking. When I was feeling very stressed up with all the endless chores of baby care, I sought help from my husband and went out for a walk, just to take a breather. It really helps to remove yourself from the unbearable situation, even for just one hour. Everyone needs a break.
Stay away from people who put you down without telling you how to improve. Learn how to enjoy your own company. And stop over-thinking about your life - past or present - it's like cancer eating you away. Do something that makes you feel blissful instead. Do anything that lets you function at your optimal level everyday. Be useful everyday. Trust me, if you give up, you'll feel much more worse - like the living dead. You'll not only disappoint yourself but also the people who care about you.
Your suffering may take another year or so, or it may end next month, nobody can predict what will come to you. Nothing can last forever. An enemy today can become your friend tomorrow. Or a huge tsunami, heatwave or disease may sweep across the earth tomorrow. Anything can change tomorrow!
I searched for my own happiness for so many years! And of course, I'm not going to stop here and will still keep searching for more! Everyone will have their own pathway to happiness. So, do not give up easily, just keep looking. When I was feeling very stressed up with all the endless chores of baby care, I sought help from my husband and went out for a walk, just to take a breather. It really helps to remove yourself from the unbearable situation, even for just one hour. Everyone needs a break.
With all these tools with me, I am sure I can overcome all, if not, most of my daily stressors of life. But more importantly, I came to realise another three very important factors that can determine one's happiness after watching a CNA show (namely, short-term, long-term and creative happiness). This is the subtle AH-HA moment where I think I've got a very important missing piece of the happiness puzzle.
2. Short-term Happiness
From a CNA show 'Chasing Happiness' Dr. Phil Merry mentioned this (with my additions in italics):
We all humans simply just want to be happy and thus keep looking for happiness. There are 2 types of happiness: The short-term happiness which comes with heightened senses, and is the laugh-out-loud, lottery-striking, exams-passing, graduation, promotion or a new car, bag, shoe, meeting up with girlfriends, that daily family dinner, eating an ice-cream, or that confirmed mid-year vacation trip, etc, kind of happiness.
3. Long-term Happiness
Then there is the more composed long-term happiness, like a calm, zen-like and contented kind of happiness. And this is the kind of contented happiness that we should have. Really, we should start listing out our blessings and feel 'great-ful', or rather grateful for what you already have. You have no idea what you have until you lose them! Your family, your job, your friends or even your health. What if one day you start to lose them? So, to achieve long-term happiness, you must be very, very thankful and contented with whatever you already have. In a seminar, I asked the audience:
Q1: How many of you here have a home that you can return to after this (seminar)?
[everyone raised up their hands]
Q2: How many of you will have food on your table tomorrow morning?
[everyone raised up their hands]
Q3. How many of you have someone who loves you just the way you are?
[almost everyone raised up their hands]
If you raised your hand more than twice, then you are luckier than 80% of the people in the world.
4. Creative Happiness
Later in the show, another doctor mentioned about happiness derived from being creative. But as summarised from elsewhere, this is my idea of 'creative happiness':
Basically, you get happiness by creating something, especially something that benefits someone else. This can be achieved simply by holding a job. By providing your time and services with whatever skills you have, you are creating something useful to someone [well, then it'll be wonderful if you can turn your hobby into your job! Or it'll be great if you simply love your current job.]
Or, you can create something by doing anything that you love to do e.g. cooking or baking for your family, knitting a sweater for your child, blogging, or doing something for someone e.g. buy a gift, visit someone, donate money or volunteer. And I think this creative happiness stems from the fact that when you are mentally immersed in or busy at creating something, you sort of forgot about yourself for a while - as being egoistic or self-ish and always thinking for yourself is a definite route to unhappiness.
Further, this creative happiness is on the same vein as 'being useful to the society' and a way of giving back or contributing to one's community.
4. Creative Happiness
Later in the show, another doctor mentioned about happiness derived from being creative. But as summarised from elsewhere, this is my idea of 'creative happiness':
Basically, you get happiness by creating something, especially something that benefits someone else. This can be achieved simply by holding a job. By providing your time and services with whatever skills you have, you are creating something useful to someone [well, then it'll be wonderful if you can turn your hobby into your job! Or it'll be great if you simply love your current job.]
Or, you can create something by doing anything that you love to do e.g. cooking or baking for your family, knitting a sweater for your child, blogging, or doing something for someone e.g. buy a gift, visit someone, donate money or volunteer. And I think this creative happiness stems from the fact that when you are mentally immersed in or busy at creating something, you sort of forgot about yourself for a while - as being egoistic or self-ish and always thinking for yourself is a definite route to unhappiness.
Further, this creative happiness is on the same vein as 'being useful to the society' and a way of giving back or contributing to one's community.
So, this is it. This is the moment that clicked everything into place. We all ought to have daily spikes of short-term happiness but more importantly, we should all possess the calm and contented long-term happiness. So, count your blessings and be contented and thankful with whatever you already have.Because a person's greed is unlimited. You can buy everything in the world but you'll still feel inadequate if you do not know contentment. Also, it is important to have creative happiness by creating something out of yourself as a way of being useful to the society.
So, let me re-summarise everything.
To overcome your difficulties and find long-term happiness you'll need:
1. Happiness Tools:
Get yourself a few powerful 'happiness tools' and use them as and when they are needed. Get ideas from my tools (from A to G) above. It could be that magic question [e.g. what's the most useful or best thing that I can do now?], that overall goal [e.g. most important thing is for baby to grow up happily] or a reminder to yourself that life is simply filled with cycles of ups and downs. Do not underestimate how much they can improve your life quality and boost your overall happiness!
2. Short-term happiness: Give yourself daily little bursts of short-term happiness. It can be that morning cup of aromatic tea/coffee, your daily evening walk, the weekend trips to the nature park with the whole family, that upcoming friend's birthday party or the confirmed air tickets to your dream vacation. Looking forward to a happy occasion can bring one (what I call the) 'joyous anticipation'.
3. Long-term happiness: Learn to be contented and thankful with your overall life in order to attain long-term happiness. Ideally, everyone should have this calm and contented, long-term happiness, whether or not we get the things we want or whether we are burdened with the problems of daily life. Remember, things could be worse. Be grateful that it wasn't. Perhaps it's time to embrace your problems, perceive them in a new way, and solve them positively. And perhaps it's time to tell yourself that things actually isn't that bad. And take it from the following quote:
If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each his own home again rather than take a portion out of the common stock.
~ Solon (638-558 B.C.)
4. Creative Happiness: Create or do something beneficial to the society as much as you can.
Till the next time, may you realise your happiness soon!
PS: It does not mean that you will not be sad anymore once you find your happiness. Don't forget that life is simply full of ups and downs. It is just that you come to realise contentment and gratitude (being thankful for what you already have/count your blessings) as a way of being truly happy and accept life as it comes that brings you the coveted long-term happiness. And when you equip yourself with the 'happiness tools' mentioned above, you can better prepare yourself to brave through and rise above whatever hurdles that may come your way.
Further note: My research on this post and on long-term happiness as a whole stems from, and includes many self-help books, TV-shows, online courses, psychology articles: both scholarly [from my university studies in psychology] and mainstream ones [magazines, newspaper, websites], philosophy: both contemporary and religious esp. Buddhism, my own life experiences and stories of random people.