It's incredible. After 10 years of marriage and after one five-year-old child, hubby and me are still together. I mean, living with someone is really not that easy... and raising a child together is another feat on its own. So, what went right? Or rather, what is the secret for a lasting relationship? Along with the romantic tide of Valentine's Day this month, let me share with you - from my own experiences - what marriage actually feels like and what makes couples stay in love and stay together.
First up, let me answer this question: What is marriage like?
First up, let me answer this question: What is marriage like?
Marriage is like a boat.
Cracks are inevitable but
They should be mended soon.
Otherwise, the boat will sink.
Your hearts must beat as one and
You'll be able to weather all storms*
Looking back, our decade of marriage began with loads of passionate love and laughter - residual components from the earlier dating period. Then, things began to stabilise and rather routinised: we moved in together into our spanking-new first marital home, gotten used to each others' little habits, and went through daily bouts of quarrels and happiness happening one after another in a random cycle.
Years passed quickly and later, we sort of started to concentrate on other aspects of our lives - career, self-improvement, solitary pursuits, further studies, or kids - that was when I weirdly feel that the queen size bed seems to get smaller. And our conversations became lesser - except when we're talking about our child. In fact, a few discussions/attempts on divorcing took place.
But, thankfully, in the end, we decided to work together to save our marriage. Trust me, even old couples who'd been married for 50 years would have had quarrelled or talked about divorce - do not think that there are actually marriages that are problem-free. Couples that stay together are couples that are willing to work things out together.
From all the events, I narrowed down to the top 5 factors that couples should have for a meaningful and blissful marriage. Specifically, they are the factors that keeps couples stay in love and stay together. I call them The Marriage Five!
Honesty: Lies begets lies, there'll be a snowball effect! So, when communicating, be genuine, open, sincere and honest. My husband needs to work on this! By my standards, not saying or avoiding saying is also lying!
Effort: Couples have to put in effort to maintain their relationship. Sometimes, it's the littlest things that matters. Make an effort to find out what makes each other happy and work from there. More effort needed on this for both of us.
Respect: Respect each other as an individual and as much as you think you yourself deserve. Everyone needs their own time and space once in a while. We're doing quite ok on this.
Patience: Practice tolerance towards each other. Squeeze out every ounce of patience if that's what it takes. Take a step back or time out, if needed. Remember, nobody is perfect. So, I can guarantee this: The person you marry is NOT Mrs. or Mr. Perfect! I'm struggling on this because I think I have zero patience! Will work harder.
Teamwork: Work hand-in-hand like the bestest buddies. Teamwork here signifies the couple doing well in what each of you are supposed to do, coming together as one to brave whatever storms that may come, and give moral support in whatever each other likes to do. The more storms or hurdles the couple overcomes together, and the more bittersweet happiness they share together, the stronger the marriage bind will become. And a stronger marriage bind will bring about a happy family life. In turn, like a feedback cycle, a happy family life will further strengthen the marriage bind! We seem to do pretty well in this department. Will continue to maintain it.
In the end, I always remind myself why I married this person in the first place and try to look at the bigger picture by reading this:
Choose the one you love.
Love the one you choose.**
*PS: Poem above adapted from Channel 8 show: Blessings. Episode 16.
Original script:
A married couple (marriage) is like a boat.
There musn't be any cracks,
otherwise the boat will sink.
Your hearts must beat as one and
You'll fear no storm
** line from a Mediacorp host Mr. Pornsak.